Today is my father\u2019s 89th birthday. Or, it would have been, if he had lived to see it. But he died in 1995, almost 10 years ago. Today, as I have every January 2 since then, I find myself wondering about the meaning of life. The New Year is always a time of reflection. The beginning of a fresh slate is a chance to start over, to resolve not to make the mistakes you did the year previous. That\u2019s the conceit we start with. But to get there, to feel ready to begin with \u201cbecoming the best we can be,\u201d we need to work through some of what we are.<\/p>\n
My Dad died happy. I think. Although he was just 79, he felt he had lived a good life. That\u2019s what he told me in the final days. He wasn\u2019t being philosophical, or profound. That wasn\u2019t his way. But I asked him whether he was ready to die. I think I asked because I wasn\u2019t sure I was ready for him to die. But he\u2019d been sick for three years and his life had shrunk to a daily routine of getting through the day. Still, he seemed more at ease in those last few days. He had decided to quit all the pills his doctor had put him on. His mind was clearer than it had been for awhile. And he was at home, in his own bed. Thanks to some dedicated home care workers, and my mother\u2019s never-ending dedication, my Dad was going to die at home, which was how he wanted it. But was he ready?<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know if you\u2019re ever ready,\u201d he told me. \u201cBut I\u2019m not worried,\u201d he said quietly. By that point, he wasn\u2019t talking much. I\u2019ve got some pictures of him that I took the day before he died. He\u2019s lying in bed with his eyes closed, and he looks suspiciously like he\u2019s already dead. But after I had taken the photo, he opened his eyes and looked at me. \u201cAre you done,\u201d he asked? His humour always surprised me but it was comforting.<\/p>\n
So today, I\u2019m starting my 10th year without my Dad. As the years advance, I\u2019m surprised how much of him I notice in me. Little things bring back memories. I find myself doing things that I remember him doing. There\u2019s a connection there that is hard to put into words. It\u2019s comforting on one hand and kind of creepy on another. Something has been passed on but I\u2019m not sure what it is. My joints hurt more than they used to. I wake up in the morning and I\u2019m aware that the years are passing. I\u2019m not as young as I used to be. My children aren\u2019t kids anymore, they\u2019re young adults, with fascinating lives that don\u2019t revolve around me anymore. I\u2019m watching them grow up with mixed emotions.<\/p>\n
But despite some misgivings about the year just passed, I\u2019m excited by the one to come. Resolutions are good things. They may not be realized, but they help to focus attention on setting goals. I do want to exercise. I\u2019m going to start with small doses. I want to move my arms again without pain. I want to exercise my mind and keep it limber. I hope to connect with friends I\u2019ve neglected. I want to enjoy every day because they\u2019re all precious. And when the inevitable arrives and one of my kids asks me the big question, I hope I feel the way my Dad did.<\/p>\n
Happy Birthday, Dad. And Happy New Year to everyone.
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